So I have this complex. And I need to get it off my chest in hopes of overcoming it.
Relationship wise, I don’t trust easily. I was hurt badly in college by someone I thought was the end-all be-all. He ended up with a right hook to the jaw… And sent me into a dark place, but thankfully I didn’t face it alone. I had a team (literally) of support to pull me through it.
This is where my complex comes in. I like to be in control, I have usually been able to keep my composure in tough situations (minus that time and ONE other time…) so I have a hard time letting myself go and trusting a relationship. I can control my emotions and reactions when I am alone, but it’s also lonely… I have not been in a relationship since the last one in 2010 because my feeling is; I’m not going to waste my time on something or someone that I don’t believe in. I need that spark back. Of course I’ve tried the online dating profiles, and boy are those depressing.
Guys really think they’ll get a response to a “so, do you like really well hung guys” message?! Honestly, who does that work on?! And that’s not even the worst one! I like to screen shot the funny ones and send them to friends from time to time.
I watch so many movies that my mind works in movie quotes. Sometimes I have to remind myself that I am not the lead character in a Rom-com. But I still want the big gesture; I want the guy to play the “role” of starting conversation. But that’s just not how the world works now.
It’s a difficult balance of playing hard to get, yet being available at the right times. Don’t text for this many days or you’ll look crazy & needy. Don’t send to many messages in a day in or you’ll smother them. blah blah blah I’m not that type, my thought process is “if you want to talk to me, you’ll find the time and make the effort to do it”. Right or wrong, that’s where I’m stuck.
Dress this way to grab attention, use this make up, but not too much or they’ll be turned off, leave something to the imagination, be this size, have this hair… How are we ever expected to get it right?!
Here’s the truth, nobody’s perfect. And nobody should ever lower their expectations just because they want the sense of security that they associate with being in a relationship. Sure, date around, notice I didn’t say SLEEP around…. Build a foundation on trust first, and we’ll work on my “commitment phobia” together because Lord knows I won’t be able to overcome it all by myself.
*low quality youtube videos taken from Chasing Liberty (2004) – there’s something I always love about President’s Daughter movies…. and Prince/Princess type movies… cough. The Prince & Me. cough…. I’m a sap.